What I Won't Be Getting My Daughter for Her Birthday

My daughter's seventh birthday is tomorrow. This clever Verizon Wireless commercial humorously explains why ponies aren't such great presents. I got her Hyper Dash so she can stay in shape to get where she wants to go under her own power.

Jezus is Ripped, Dude!!!

Seriously. If you were a god, would you like to be honored by this t-shirt, worn by fans who watch mixed martial arts fighting? Unless I was a Viking god or an old time Roman or Greek god of war, I'd be quite offended by this. Or at least puzzled.

Jezus is pretty ripped, though. So is Satan.

News of the Weird: Naked Mom Argues with Son

File this under "Things That Make You Go AH HA HA HA HA":

Naked mom argues with son, accidentally shoots finger (link)
A 73-year-old Fort Worth woman shot her finger after arguing with her son because she had been walking around the house naked, police said.

Fort Worth police were called to a house in the 5600 block of Decory Road around 1:30 a.m. Friday when they found Bertha McElroy with a bullet wound in her left index finger, according to a police report.

Ms. McElroy was taken to John Peter Smith hospital with non life-threatening injuries.

Police said that Ms. McElroy told them she had gotten into an argument with her son, Keith McElroy, 53, because she had been walking around the house in the nude.

Ms. McElroy told police that after the argument her son walked outside and slammed the door. She then went into the bedroom to load the gun when she shot her finger.

Police said they unloaded the gun and gave it to Mr. McElroy.

Here are some of my general thoughts:

• NOBODY wants to see a 73-year old woman naked. Period. So I can understand why the son lit into his mother.
• It's bad enough to fight with your mother, but to do it while she's naked?
  
• Does the son still live with his mother? Why else would he be fighting with her at 1:30 in the morning. That's just creepy. Get a job and get a life, dude.
• The police gave the gun to the son. "Mr. McElroy, here's the gun your mom wanted to shoot you with. We took out the bullets, but here ya go." Logical? Probably not. Let's now see what happens when mom tries to walk around the house naked again. Advantage: son.
• The headline kind of wrote itself. The story was the icing on the cake.
• There are some pretty messed up people in this world.
  

The Walk of No Shame

Hat tip: The Function Key.

Kewl Retro T-Shirts

Cool retro-tech t-shirts.

Abdullah Pimp Slaps Bush

It's always fun when your fearless leader begs for somebody else to save his country from its own gluttony.

Bush: Hey there, Ab-dool-AH. How's about doing me a big faver and put out a bit more?

Abdullah: No more oil for you!

Abdullah pimp slaps Bush then spits on him.

The Saudi oil minister, Ali al-Naimi, said the kingdom decided on May 10 to raise production by 300,000 barrels, at the request of customers, and that increase was sufficient.

“Supply and demand are in balance today,” he told a news conference. “How much does Saudi Arabia need to do to satisfy people who are questioning our oil practices and policies?”

Makes me think how this situation parallels the obesity crisis in this country. Rather than make the necessary changes to live a healthy life, most people choose to look to magic bullets or butchery to solve their problems as easily as possible.

Is this Where the Virgins Come From?

I guess everyone needs a hobby.

VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict thanked consecrated women virgins gathering at the Vatican on Thursday for their "total gift" to Christ, praising a holy rite that he recognized was difficult for some non-Catholics to understand.

"(Live your lives) in such a way that you always irradiate the dignity of being the wife of Christ," the pope said in an address to hundreds of consecrated virgins from dozens of countries meeting in Rome.

There are several things I can think of doing that would be more fun that not having sex so I can be "wed" to a zombie. Slicing my skin with a razor blade and pour lemon juice on the wound comes to mind.

The article states that it is estimated there are more than 3,000 consecrated Catholic virgins worldwide.

But reading this made me wonder if its from this pool--and what a small pool it is--that the 72 virgins are pulled that Muslim men supposedly receive in the afterlife. Won't they be disappointed? "Wait. You're WHAT?"

Magic Cat

This made me laugh out loud.

There's No Substitution for the Real Thing

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the motivation behind this act:

3 Texas teens accused of using skull removed from coffin to smoke marijuana

HOUSTON (AP) — Three Kingwood teens have been arrested and accused of digging up a secluded grave and removing a skull in Humble, a city north of Houston.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, told Houston police that around March 15 they and a 16-year old juvenile dug up a grave, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a “bong,” a device used to smoke marijuana, according to court documents.

So the kids used the skull to smoke some weed. What were they high on when they decided this was a good idea? And I had no idea there was such a law as abuse of corpse.

But the weirdness doesn't end there. These kids weren't caught...one of them fessed up:

Houston police were initially interviewing [Kevin Wade] Jones about the use of a stolen debit card when Jones told them about the grave theft, according to court records. Asked why Jones would volunteer such a story, [Houston police Sgt. John ] Cholmiak said, “we can only speculate and guess to what goes on in the criminal mind.”

I guess it's safe to say that not much goes on in these criminal minds.

Meeting Sydney McGee

Last night at the Barnes & Nobel at Preston and Park, I ran into Sydney McGee. "Who is that?" you're asking. Ms. McGee is a former art teacher from Frisco, TX, who was fired because an elementary student she took to a museum on a field trip saw abstract art of nekkid people.

Seriously.

Here's a recap from a NY Times article:

But Ms. McGee, 51, a popular art teacher with 28 years in the classroom, is out of a job after leading her fifth-grade classes last April through the Dallas Museum of Art. One of her students saw nude art in the museum, and after the child’s parent complained, the teacher was suspended.

Although the tour had been approved by the principal, and the 89 students were accompanied by 4 other teachers, at least 12 parents and a museum docent, Ms. McGee said, she was called to the principal the next day and “bashed.”

She later received a memorandum in which the principal, Nancy Lawson, wrote: “During a study trip that you planned for fifth graders, students were exposed to nude statues and other nude art representations.” It cited additional complaints, which Ms. McGee has challenged.

I found her to be a really nice woman and I gave her encouraging words, telling her that the firing was unjust and that I hope she can eventually find work again. That work, however, will have to be found in Austin as she is trying to sell her house. She told me she is unhireable in Dallas because she's too controversial. I would have loved to sit and talk with her, but I had my daughter with me and she couldn't stand still and it was late.

Best of luck, Sydney! I think you'll find Austin to be more receptive to rational thinking and artistic interpretation.

Barkley Gets Punked

Awfully funny prank played on Charles Barkley the other night on TNT's "Inside the NBA."

I Got Dibs on Ghrelinstat

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gazing into my crystal ball and predicting that supplement companies looking to profit off of the next weight loss fad will come out with what I call Ghrelinstat:

From MSNBC: A hormone that makes people eat more works by causing food to look tastier.

This natural molecule, named ghrelin, actually improves perception and memory when it comes to food.

"When you go to the supermarket hungry, every food looks better," said researcher Alain Dagher, a neurologist at McGill University in Montreal. "Now, we've found that it is ghrelin that acts on the brain to make food more appealing."

In fact, big pharama is already on the case:

Therapies that disrupt these effects of ghrelin could help fight obesity, the researchers conjectured. However, such treatments might come with unwanted side effects on mood, since they would target the brain's pleasure centers, Dagher said.

"Many drug companies are currently developing ghrelin-blocking drugs as obesity treatments," Dagher said. "However, we show that ghrelin acts on brain areas involved in emotion and motivation. A drug that suppresses this brain system runs the risk of causing depressed mood. There is a risk of side effects."

Side effects, shnide effects. Drug companies don't give a rip about side effects. Look at Alli. It prevents the body from absorbing about a quarter of the fat you eat. Side effects? Just some slight anal seepage lovingly called "treatment effects."

All that matters is how much money can be made by capitalizing off of people's willingness to do nothing and still lose weight. The FDA will force drug companies to slowly bring a product to market, however supplement companies are not under such regulations. I'll wager that somebody is already writing marketing copy for their potential new supplement: It's Not Your Fault You're Fat! Speaking of, I'd better get over to the copyright office and register the name Ghrelinstat.

(Pssst. Want to lose weight fast the right way? Try this.)

BRILLIANT

Hat tip: Pharyngula.

It's All About Priorities

SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. - Bill Bramanti will love Pabst Blue Ribbon eternally, and he's got the custom-made beer-can casket to prove it. "I actually fit, because I got in here," said Bramanti of South Chicago Heights.

The 67-year-old Glenwood village administrator doesn't plan on needing it anytime soon, though.

He threw a party Saturday for friends and filled his silver coffin — designed in Pabst's colors of red, white and blue — with ice and his favorite brew.

Redeeming Loserville

At least one team in this town is having some success this year.

DALLAS (AP) -- The Dallas Stars have finally made it back to the Western Conference finals. It took the eighth longest game in NHL history to do it.

I'll admit to being a fair-weather hockey fan. And since the weather is looking pretty damn good right now...GO STARS.

Happy National Day of Wishful Thinking

Happy National Day of Prayer!

Read some great take downs of this ridiculous day at Pharyngula, God is for Suckers (here and here), and Atheist Revolution. Here's a better way to spend the day: The National Day of Reason.

The Most Fun You'll Have Preventing Prostate Cancer

I swear I'm not making this up. May is officially National Masturbation Month as designated by the fine folks at Good Vibrations.

At Good Vibrations, we know that sexual pleasure is a birthright and that masturbation is a powerful source of sexual gratification. Since practically everyone masturbates, but few people talk about it, we created National Masturbation Month, a month-long celebration recognizing the many ways we can pleasure ourselves.

One of the highlights of this month is the The Ninth National Masturbate-A-Thon Weekend. As the slogan says, it's your opportunity to get off for a good cause!

Between now and the end of May, ask people you know to sponsor you for every minute you'll masturbate during the Masturbate-A-Thon on May 27. After you masturbate for the cause, be sure to tell your friends how much money they helped raise.

I just can't seem myself running around the office with my Masturbate-A-Thon pledge sheet. In the belt buckle of the Bible Belt down here in Texas, I'm sure that sort of "deviant" behavior will be frowned upon. That could explain why so many people are so uptight around here. Besides, there are many health benefits to giving yourself some solo loving. One was detailed in a 2003 Australian study that found that men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

So the next time your significant other asks about what you did while she was away, you can confidently proclaim "prostate cancer prevention."