Sometime I Don't Feel Like Moving My Arms

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less

This is perfect for me today because I don't feel like moving my arms today. Yesterday morning I started a new weight routine, so I'm starting to get sore. Last night, I biked nearly 28 miles in 100 degree heat (plus humidity) at an average pace of 19 mph. This morning, I fought through a tough 2200 meter swim workout.

Well, perfect except that I don't eat those particular brands of foods.

The Secret to Becoming a Plastic Duck

A page from what appears to be a desktop calendar for The Secret was sitting on the toilet paper dispenser in the men's room today.

Live your dream in your heart and let the Universe move everything to bring your dream to you. Feel your dream, feel the presence of the Universe inside you, KNOW that the Universe is with you, guiding you, and then allow the Universe to realize your dream.

Profound. I felt so inspired that I dreamed for some buxom elven maidens to appear and wipe my bottom with silken toilet paper. I felt that dream, baby. I felt the presence of the Universe inside me. I just KNEW the Universe was with me and that it would realize my dream for me.

Alas, the only presence I felt was my skin growing around the toilet seat from sitting on my ass and dreaming. And the only bottom wiping being done was by my own hand with a substance as far removed from silk as possible (probably two notches above sand paper). And you are very welcome for that imagery.

For an appropriate smack-down of this nonsense, check out The Atomic Dog in his article My Speech to the Graduates, 2007.

And sure, The Secret "helps" people, but I'm going to quote Karl Marx here and proclaim that The Secret is the opium of the people. People who believe in The Secret surrender responsibility. They don't need hard work or resolve or perspiration, The Secret will provide all. They're all plastic ducks that have cast themselves onto the mercies of the ocean.

If you're vulnerable to every false god that comes along, you're pretty much doomed to be a 7-11 clerk...4EAE. (That's "forever and ever" to you non-texting people.) And not even a dayshift 7-11 clerk. No, you won't be good enough for "the show." You'll work the night shift and when some punk slips a 12-count box of Bud underneath his parka, you'll look the other way lest he use your rectum as a bottle opener.

If you're prone to every false god that comes along, you're emotionally and intellectually weak. You're a plastic duck.

For fun, I replaced "the Universe" with "God" and got essentially what makes up good Christian dogma: Just ask God to do things for you and it will happen. Never mind hard work, planning, and determination. Simply pray, or dream, for something and it will be delivered to you, no effort required on your part (except a little faith that no effort on your part is required).

But perhaps what disturbed me the most is that I found this in the men's room. In a stall. Was some dude (duck?) meditating on this while he pooped? What a way to treat your holy text.

And in that spirit, I used the sheet to wipe myself. Seemed like a more appropriate use of my time.

Quack. Quack.

Da Brudders R N Da House!

My buddy's kids are living on the online edge with this humorous take on "The Hand That Feeds" by Nine Inch Nails.

(I have to say, though, that one of Da Brudders looks suspiciously like a Sistah)

'Nuff Said

What I Won't Be Getting My Daughter for Her Birthday

My daughter's seventh birthday is tomorrow. This clever Verizon Wireless commercial humorously explains why ponies aren't such great presents. I got her Hyper Dash so she can stay in shape to get where she wants to go under her own power.

Jezus is Ripped, Dude!!!

Seriously. If you were a god, would you like to be honored by this t-shirt, worn by fans who watch mixed martial arts fighting? Unless I was a Viking god or an old time Roman or Greek god of war, I'd be quite offended by this. Or at least puzzled.

Jezus is pretty ripped, though. So is Satan.

News of the Weird: Naked Mom Argues with Son

File this under "Things That Make You Go AH HA HA HA HA":

Naked mom argues with son, accidentally shoots finger (link)
A 73-year-old Fort Worth woman shot her finger after arguing with her son because she had been walking around the house naked, police said.

Fort Worth police were called to a house in the 5600 block of Decory Road around 1:30 a.m. Friday when they found Bertha McElroy with a bullet wound in her left index finger, according to a police report.

Ms. McElroy was taken to John Peter Smith hospital with non life-threatening injuries.

Police said that Ms. McElroy told them she had gotten into an argument with her son, Keith McElroy, 53, because she had been walking around the house in the nude.

Ms. McElroy told police that after the argument her son walked outside and slammed the door. She then went into the bedroom to load the gun when she shot her finger.

Police said they unloaded the gun and gave it to Mr. McElroy.

Here are some of my general thoughts:

• NOBODY wants to see a 73-year old woman naked. Period. So I can understand why the son lit into his mother.
• It's bad enough to fight with your mother, but to do it while she's naked?
  
• Does the son still live with his mother? Why else would he be fighting with her at 1:30 in the morning. That's just creepy. Get a job and get a life, dude.
• The police gave the gun to the son. "Mr. McElroy, here's the gun your mom wanted to shoot you with. We took out the bullets, but here ya go." Logical? Probably not. Let's now see what happens when mom tries to walk around the house naked again. Advantage: son.
• The headline kind of wrote itself. The story was the icing on the cake.
• There are some pretty messed up people in this world.
  

The Walk of No Shame

Hat tip: The Function Key.

Magic Cat

This made me laugh out loud.

There's No Substitution for the Real Thing

I'm trying to wrap my brain around the motivation behind this act:

3 Texas teens accused of using skull removed from coffin to smoke marijuana

HOUSTON (AP) — Three Kingwood teens have been arrested and accused of digging up a secluded grave and removing a skull in Humble, a city north of Houston.

Kevin Wade Jones, 17, and Matthew Richard Gonzalez, 17, both of Kingwood, told Houston police that around March 15 they and a 16-year old juvenile dug up a grave, removed the skull from the coffin and converted it into a “bong,” a device used to smoke marijuana, according to court documents.

So the kids used the skull to smoke some weed. What were they high on when they decided this was a good idea? And I had no idea there was such a law as abuse of corpse.

But the weirdness doesn't end there. These kids weren't caught...one of them fessed up:

Houston police were initially interviewing [Kevin Wade] Jones about the use of a stolen debit card when Jones told them about the grave theft, according to court records. Asked why Jones would volunteer such a story, [Houston police Sgt. John ] Cholmiak said, “we can only speculate and guess to what goes on in the criminal mind.”

I guess it's safe to say that not much goes on in these criminal minds.

Barkley Gets Punked

Awfully funny prank played on Charles Barkley the other night on TNT's "Inside the NBA."

BRILLIANT

Hat tip: Pharyngula.

It's All About Priorities

SOUTH CHICAGO HEIGHTS, Ill. - Bill Bramanti will love Pabst Blue Ribbon eternally, and he's got the custom-made beer-can casket to prove it. "I actually fit, because I got in here," said Bramanti of South Chicago Heights.

The 67-year-old Glenwood village administrator doesn't plan on needing it anytime soon, though.

He threw a party Saturday for friends and filled his silver coffin — designed in Pabst's colors of red, white and blue — with ice and his favorite brew.

The Most Fun You'll Have Preventing Prostate Cancer

I swear I'm not making this up. May is officially National Masturbation Month as designated by the fine folks at Good Vibrations.

At Good Vibrations, we know that sexual pleasure is a birthright and that masturbation is a powerful source of sexual gratification. Since practically everyone masturbates, but few people talk about it, we created National Masturbation Month, a month-long celebration recognizing the many ways we can pleasure ourselves.

One of the highlights of this month is the The Ninth National Masturbate-A-Thon Weekend. As the slogan says, it's your opportunity to get off for a good cause!

Between now and the end of May, ask people you know to sponsor you for every minute you'll masturbate during the Masturbate-A-Thon on May 27. After you masturbate for the cause, be sure to tell your friends how much money they helped raise.

I just can't seem myself running around the office with my Masturbate-A-Thon pledge sheet. In the belt buckle of the Bible Belt down here in Texas, I'm sure that sort of "deviant" behavior will be frowned upon. That could explain why so many people are so uptight around here. Besides, there are many health benefits to giving yourself some solo loving. One was detailed in a 2003 Australian study that found that men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

So the next time your significant other asks about what you did while she was away, you can confidently proclaim "prostate cancer prevention."

Looking Good for Jesus

It's wonderful when blog posts simply write themselves.

From MSNBC: SINGAPORE - A cosmetics range with cheeky taglines that extolled the virtues of "Looking Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores in Singapore after some Roman Catholics complained the items were disrespectful, a newspaper reported Tuesday.

Promising to "Redeem your reputation and more," the product line included a "virtuous vanilla"-flavored lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream, as well as bags and other items sold by British retailer Topshop and produced by Blue Q, The Straits Times said.

[snip]

On the packaging of one of the products, Jesus, wearing a bright white robe, looks heavenward while a blonde, heavily made-up woman with an arm draped across his shoulder gazes dreamily at his face.

So how does one go about redeeming one's reputation? It's easier than you think.

This is great. No more boring and embarrassing trips the confessional. Simply apply the virtuous lip balm and think pure thoughts...well, until the next hot date. Unfortunately, this kit doesn't put an END to sinning. It just takes the edge off of it. No wonder the word "Repeat" is in bold, red letters.